Production Diary: My Progress

Cast Dungeon

Okay. So I am feeling very panicky today. Maybe discouraged is more like it. There are so many projects on Kickstarter that are raising sums three or four…even ten times what I am trying to get by with on mine that are making their goals. It is true that they might have had these investors lined up ahead of time, but to see those figures makes me feel hopeless when I can’t get my friends and family to even share my posts, with the amazing exception of two or three.

My mind begins to run away from me, plaguing my thoughts of “who am I kidding?” and “I guess I’m not meant to be successful” and “why am I not worth the effort?”. It is easy to do when people who are supposedly your friends suddenly ignore you when you ask for their support.

In the next moment, I feel as though I have worked my ass off to get to where I am and I do deserve the opportunity to make my dreams happen. If I had the resources I wouldn’t even need to use an entity like Kickstarter. But I don’t and they are what stand between being better or staying mediocre. I don’t want to be just mediocre, average.

I was very touched that two strangers to me have reached out and tried to spread the word for me as my reach goes only so far. These people will never feel the increase in my heartbeat when I saw that they had helped, they will never see my smile of gratitude or the tears that were in my eyes. They will never know, even when I tell them, that I appreciate it so very much, just how grateful I am.

Out of my entire social circle, three friends are all that have helped in spreading the word. I find that insulting, actually. A handful RT me on twitter, most of them people I barely know. They believe in my abilities more than my own family. Crazy, right? It isn’t so much the lack of enthusiasm from those I am close to, it is the cold shoulder feeling that just makes me feel bad.

Am I mad because only 3 people have contributed? No, of course not. It is the silence that speaks volumes and screams in my ears that I am no good.

Well, I told you that I would update you on my journey. Why report only the rainbows and sunshine when that would make this account completely false. These are the moments that make you grow as a person. These are the times when the stars come out because it is so dark. This is when I step away and spread my wings in spite of them all.

I may not be able to do this project now, but I pray every night that it will manifest with my hard work. In the event that it does not go through, I will just come out swinging all the harder and find ways to piece it together. Victory will be sweet!

If you made it this far through my whining, I apologize. Wait. No, I don’t. I have spent my life apologizing for things I shouldn’t have to. I am a human being with real feelings and I believe that from time to time I should be allowed to expose my soft underbelly and show just how real I am. Thank you for reading. I know 99% of those who follow will not and do not. If I am simply talking to myself here, then it is cheap therapy for I can shed my rantings here and lighten my load a bit.

Be a leader, not a follower. Take charge of yourself, your dreams, and take the steps to make them come true…with or without those “close” to you.  🙂

 

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One response to “Production Diary: My Progress

  1. These are tough times for people. Even the arts take a hit in such times. I couldn’t get three people to donate money to buy a rope to pull me out of a freezing river. So maybe there are just other ways to do this.

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